Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
