I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
