I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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