Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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