There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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