I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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