saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
