Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
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