Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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