i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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