he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize