What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
