Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My ass is underappreciated
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
