OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
