I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
