Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
