I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
