please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
