I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
