I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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