No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
How does one acquire holy water?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
