nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
