I bet he comes in French.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
