Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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