I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
