remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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