My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
