swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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