i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
