So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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