I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
