i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
