You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
