Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize