Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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