Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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