you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
