3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
