you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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