and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
