genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
