Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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