Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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