Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Pooping to opera.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
