You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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