I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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