I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
