great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
