Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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