I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
