Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
