Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Randomize
