I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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