i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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