I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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