my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
