I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
