am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
