Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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