I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
